while running outdoors, i used this pair of runner’s gloves that were really helpful in preventing my hands from freezing. not only were they beneficial, but they used to be one of my very most prized gloves when i first bought them. i was so proud of these sports accessories that i lingered at their useful nature and took pictures with their reflective design during those east coast wintry nights. then i realize on that very recent morning, these pair of gloves, albeit useful, were now just a mere pair of gloves for me.
like everyone else, i have bought, spent, and accumulated so much stuff that i thought i was going to be using and holding on to dear life forever. it so happens they turn out to be phases or objects that i acquire only to satisfy myself on a temporary basis. could you imagine how much money our folks spent on us just to get those cd’s, video games, clothes, toys, and every childhood desire that are either given to charity or given away as hand me downs? talk about some emotional investment.
now, i have actually lost the urge to buy things that i know will not benefit me forever. but how long is forever? and how can i risk the fact that this temporary happiness will really make me a better person in one way or another? which also begs the question: we only live once, why not?
i am not coming up with a theory here, but i noticed that the individuals whom i have come to consider as affluent do not really care about acquiring as much luxury no matter how much their business gives them… at least on their certain stage in life. i am certain they did go through these phases, probably learned fast, started doing the age-old formula of saving, and from thereon increased their net worth through other means. there must be a balance: to live life and at the same time get to the point where the rest of the generation will still prosper.
looking back since i first started xanga, here are a few of my checklists that i thought have actually happened:
1. 2003: start a business (started several to date, failed some, gained experience, and still willing to start some more)
2. 2004: be with someone i love (woke up to her everyday for 5+ years, didn’t work out, gained lots of wisdom, now just going with the flow)
3. 2004: leave california and explore (moved to the east coast, traveled around, horizons broadened, picked up and got interested in many cultures, assimilated some to my persona for better use)
4. 2005: be open to new learning (learned the value of networking, balance, became wiser through experience, learned to become more careful if not critically-minded, and still trying to be low-key as much as possible despite many egotistic temptations)
maybe those were a few of the major ones. in the end, it doesn’t really matter if i don’t spend on such. the blessings actually present themselves to you without you even spending a little dime when the time calls for it. and that was the best lesson i learned. saving does make a big deal.
oh, and yes: we like a certain person not just because of any media-indoctrinated reason but because subconsciously they are qualified to make our grandparents happy.
dear xanga. i have known you for 8 years now. from the point wherein i knew every soul was lured towards your emergence of this earth, to the overnight development of other bigger social networks that dominated this metropolitan city.
i have come to realize that these past few years i have been trying to portray myself as someone to be admired by others – women most especially. i’ve taken all efforts to tell the public eye that i am this person of high ranking and that one needs to go through layers to get through me. after a hiatus due to a serious relationship, i was back to clubbing almost 3 nights a week, happy hour and networking events almost everyday, and outdoor events almost every week. everything was pleasure based, and it pleased everybody i hung out with. i was always out there going to different places, paying for expensive tastes just because i wanted to be granted the appeal of being an easy provider. an affluent source of resources, boldly speaking.
most of this device’s plan worked. but in the end, i just realized that i am just myself no matter what. and without spiritual nourishment i am nothing to begin with.
i was reading a few things about buddha’s life regarding the 4 truths; and from it i realized that my anger was personified as truly as what buddha had explained. that it was all empty, and in the next day it wasn’t really necessary to emanate such human emotion. in a world so crazy like this, it is hard to resist decency and retaliate to mere strangers and give them a lesson; or correct someone close in the hopes that i wanted to show them how much i cared for them. i was wrong all along. that counting all these years of arguments and head-butting; tonight; at this very moment, all those high-strung emotions were just a memoir of the past. and many major decisions would not have been made if it weren’t for such impulsive clamor.
maybe these next few years of my life i hope to become humbler and not portray myself as someone who has worked hard for all these achievements so others can give me merit; but let the universe reveal its limelight if it calls for the right time and place. this time i will be back on focusing my energy to the higher calling. and yes, i am moving back to the east coast for a good few years although i am not sure if i should turn back to my old ways. maybe not.
looking at the ages of these successful people who rose not because of their own self-fulfilling desires, i realized that there is still time. there is still hope.
c… finally. lol
strangely, today was a pivotal day to take something away from: blessings. i just dropped off a profoundly wealthy family at the airport. and no matter how much money they possessed, i learned that people from all walks of life loved them not because of their possessions or social status, but because they were willing to share what they had so that others could also genuinely live in their own form of happiness.
not too long ago, i got a call from one of my colleagues. something had to be done overseas; and i allegedly was the only person who could fix it. same fun stuff, as usual. being back home for a while (sans the recurring bi-coastal work travels), i honestly felt like i have been living in a shell again: so much comfort knowing that resources are much easier to procure, the warmth and assurance knowing that family is just a drive away, the foreseeable support and happiness from good old connections whom i have kept in touch with, and the new ones, the new inspirations, whom i have met along the way… oh those lovely ones.
someway, somehow my mind has encumbered another adventure-seeker in me. like imagining trekking the snowy mountains of katmandu at temperatures below 0 while kicking myself in the butt for doing such. life seems too serene sometimes; and when i feel that way i am compelled to get myself out of this rut and start being uncomfortable again. when am i gonna die anyway? could be tomorrow for all i know. maybe i could live to tell the gatekeepers in heaven that i at least enjoyed my life… while helping others along the way.
like love, life can move us in mysterious ways. one day i may be sipping long islands at a desolate beach off the pacific or become a full-time hookah-smoking camel whisperer in the sahara desert (ha!); on the contrary, i can also be battling the winter storms of the northeast or russia – almost about to die from stress and hypothermia. i have come to an epitome of quantum mechanics trying to find out whether the abundance of love, wealth and affluence given to chosen individuals is attained by a certain ritual. i realized that it is – and i apparently have not fully optimized its essential paragon unless i start getting out of my own comfort zone again.
so we’ll see these next few weeks. i might be living back and forth in different quadrants of the planet trying to search for that missing piece, miss my folks and friends, miss the warmth all year long, and the comfort of everything – probably regretting that i chose another road less taken.
the only thing i have never regret to this day is… i have expressed my feelings to the person dearest to me. and i am still thankful that i did not hold it back at least in this lifetime.
i almost clicked that “buy” button to nepal today, by the way.
it’s been 2314 days since i’ve joined xanga…
i’ve been blogging here since 2002…
gone through phases of friendster, myspace… then facebook
do you think i will still go premium?!?!? :p
i heaved the last breath of your melancholic embrace. it was the perfect winter that night, and i somehow tasted its darkness exuding like cold shores of the nebulous sky above us. its damp, mundane presence held a message of slow death to my lungs; harsh enough to crumble its foundations and vicariously slit the very life out of my existence. my fingers pulsated while the frost of this weary evening seeped right through my gloves, hammering and ebbing through the brittleness of my limbs like iron filings to a magnet. the vicarious warmth that i summoned from zinfandel a few minutes ago had slowly perished to the helpless words you conveyed through this faint darkness. those very words that made me leave the comforts of life to find you. yet the only answers i got were the silent calls of flakes hovering through thin air.
i hopped inside my ride while snowflakes started collecting on the windshield. the tune playing was remiscent of my very premature trembles when you hugged me during that first cold solstice. i heard the sound of dripping water on my jacket and uttered your name once again.
no answer… except for the pretentious blizzard drowning the point of me being out here.
my only companion was the mist coming out of my mouth. it only reminded me of sultry summers where sweat soaked our bodies amidst the slight breeze. it was my silent excuse to learn the fibonacci sequence, so that i can spend all lazy afternoons with you. but then, the cold acoustics of clamping snowflakes were too hard to ignore. the reality of my wishful thinking was reminding me that i was almost in the middle of nowhere. the park was desolate; only a few amber lights were lit up. i could just imagine how dreary this place was from an airplane. my damp hands scrounged for a dryer surface to wipe onto. you made me stare at the cold silhouette of the street lamp entering my bedroom. i had to do this every night, and i somehow endured every stone that laid strength to those high walls.
your breath sent a fickle glide through my frazzled arms while i slowly laid down tennessee williams’ treatise. i glanced over your side and noticed how delicate your hands were, clinging through me like i was going to steal the warmth out of your skin. it was already 6 in the morning, and the deep blue sky had been superseded by sunrise; the morning runs have been replaced by cozy late morning breakfast; and last-minute errands have been once again determined by our lethargic indifference. i could see the sullen expression on your face while i slowly tugged the blanket from the floor. my eyes; unmoved by the logic whether the lamp was still on or not; only knew from that time on that the sunrise would reveal the vivacity of why our lives were meant to be lived this way. i felt an ineffable kind of optimism exuding underneath the comforter despite this cold wintry morn. i stared and briefly made my peace with the manhattan sunrise; while the congenial covers gradually preserved our warmth from this lazy wintry saturday morning.
ha, i need practice…
wow, i used to remember blogging here almost everyday back in 02. and now i have been so busy, flying in and out, and then attending other commitments locally. time just flew by so fast.
it’s strange back then because during the first years of my blogging here i was focusing on school: walking around campus, lounging at barnes & noble, and being in my own academic world. or maybe i just had so much to think and write about haha
then i got into a serious relationship when i moved to the east coast, which made me a homebody. besides pursuing business, other hobbies, endeavors, and being content, who would have thought that i would be satisfied blogging while waiting for her to come back home? it was one peaceful era for me.
then now… been so busy that i had to try my best to commit as much as i can. it’s been good though. just didn’t expect my lifestyle to turn this… hectic; but good. the hobbies that i was proud to declare changed to other activities; friends shifted from one lifestyle to the other; most i kept in contact with. well, all of us lead busy lives… i am just contemplating how time has passed and changed things. how would i know that i spent this much to realize that i really wasn’t going to use it a few years from now? we learn. haha
it’s so nice to stop and think how life evolves unexpectedly.