the four noble truthsPosted: 2010/03/18
dear xanga. i have known you for 8 years now. from the point wherein i knew every soul was lured towards your emergence of this earth, to the overnight development of other bigger social networks that dominated this metropolitan city.
i have come to realize that these past few years i have been trying to portray myself as someone to be admired by others – women most especially. i’ve taken all efforts to tell the public eye that i am this person of high ranking and that one needs to go through layers to get through me. after a hiatus due to a serious relationship, i was back to clubbing almost 3 nights a week, happy hour and networking events almost everyday, and outdoor events almost every week. everything was pleasure based, and it pleased everybody i hung out with. i was always out there going to different places, paying for expensive tastes just because i wanted to be granted the appeal of being an easy provider. an affluent source of resources, boldly speaking.
most of this device’s plan worked. but in the end, i just realized that i am just myself no matter what. and without spiritual nourishment i am nothing to begin with.
i was reading a few things about buddha’s life regarding the 4 truths; and from it i realized that my anger was personified as truly as what buddha had explained. that it was all empty, and in the next day it wasn’t really necessary to emanate such human emotion. in a world so crazy like this, it is hard to resist decency and retaliate to mere strangers and give them a lesson; or correct someone close in the hopes that i wanted to show them how much i cared for them. i was wrong all along. that counting all these years of arguments and head-butting; tonight; at this very moment, all those high-strung emotions were just a memoir of the past. and many major decisions would not have been made if it weren’t for such impulsive clamor.
maybe these next few years of my life i hope to become humbler and not portray myself as someone who has worked hard for all these achievements so others can give me merit; but let the universe reveal its limelight if it calls for the right time and place. this time i will be back on focusing my energy to the higher calling. and yes, i am moving back to the east coast for a good few years although i am not sure if i should turn back to my old ways. maybe not.
looking at the ages of these successful people who rose not because of their own self-fulfilling desires, i realized that there is still time. there is still hope.