taken from ‘wait, wait… don’t tell me’

hr organi(z)e the office christmas party

from: pat lewis human resources
to: everyone
date december 1st
re: christmas party

i’m happy to inform you that the company christmas party will take place on dec. 23rd, starting at noon in the banquet room at luigi’s open pit barbecue. no-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! we’ll have a small band playing traditional carols so feel free to sing along. and don’t be surprised if our c.e.o. shows up dressed (as) santa claus.

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from: pat lewis human resources
date december 2nd
re: christmas party

in no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our jewish employees. we recognize that chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with christmas, though unfortunately not this year. however, from now on we are calling it our ‘holiday party.’ the same policy applies to employees who are celebrating kwanzaa at this time. happy now?

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from: pat lewis human resources
date december 3
re: christmas party

regarding the note i received from a member of alcoholics anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. i’m happy to accommodate this request, but if i put a sign on a table that reads ‘a.a. only’; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. how am i supposed to handle this? somebody?

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from: pat lewis human resources
date december 7
re: christmas party

what a diverse company we are! i had no idea that december 20 begins the muslim holy month of ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. there goes the party! seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our muslim employees beliefs. perhaps luigi’s can hold off serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. will that work? meanwhile, i’ve arranged for members of overeaters anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. did I miss anything?

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from: pat lewis human resources
date december 8
re: christmas party

so december 22 marks the winter solstice, what do you expect me to do, a tap dance on your heads? fire regulations at luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. okay???

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from: pat lewis human resources
date december 9
re: christmas party

people, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our c.e.o. dress up like santa claus!! even if the anagram of ‘santa’ does happen to be ‘satan’, there is no evil connection to our “little man in a red suit”. It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on valentine’s day. could we lighten up?

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from: pat lewis human resources
date december 10
re: christmas party

vegetarians!?!?!? i’ve had it with you people!!! we’re going to keep the party at luigi’s open pit barbecue, whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%&^$! salad bar, including hydro-ponic tomatoes. but you know, they have feelings too. tomatoes scream when you slice them. i’ve heard them scream. i’m hearing them scream right now!

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from: teri bishops, acting director human resources
date: december 14
re: pat lewis and holiday party

i’m sure i speak for all us in wishing pat lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. i’ll be happy to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. in the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and give everyone the afternoon off with full pay.

 

so much for originality.  no pun intended… and happy holidays to everyone!

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