now that i’ve beaten my urging self to go out tonight, i can focus on more productive stuff.  it’s been a struggle ever since i went back to the city last weekend.  meeting different circles of friends whom i haven’t seen for a long time, hanging out with them and just bumming around.  i miss san francisco.  but what good can it do if i’m sacrificing things that i’m supposed to do?  what good can partying with sfdrinkclubbers on a thursday night do if i end up not catching up with homework and reading materials for next week’s lectures. 

‘just settled almost all of my payments for dental insurance, parking tickets, and such.  the next medical checkup won’t be until april.  why does it have to be that long?  george orwell’s ‘animal farm’ rang into my conscience.  still doing research if i could find any alternative to the speeding ticket that i received a couple months ago.  the officer was kind enough to mitigate my situation when i got pulled over, but i’ve been hearing other public service programs.  they may be incongruous since a homegirl told me she did those for parking violations, and not traffic infractions.  blackmun’s dissertation to roe v. wade just beat around the bush.  anniversaries do matter.  ronald reagan.  washington.  this month.

correspondence from district assemblywoman’s assistant shed light to their promise to do something about california budget cuts in education.  i plan to participate in upcoming meetings and i know this is going to affect me in one way or another.  i better start scrounging for every organization that can help me finance my education in the next semester.  grants are good but i just wanted to make sure that i’m going to be at least a bit funded than not. 

beethoven’s moonlight sonata surely is getting me melancholy.  i still have a lot to do, books to read, essays to finish, errands to work on.  i haven’t even finished filing my taxes yet.  i guess that would be a good reason for me to visit my family.  i told them anyway that i was going to visit.  but probably by sunday i’d come down to sf to change my oil at a friend’s place.  he’s one circle of friends’ mechanic, has rebuilt cars, and wants to finish as a mechanical engineer.  he keeps on telling us that he gets loco with his girl sometimes.  love.  how can you fulfill its perpetual wants?  the constitution of the confederation failed for one because there was poor misprepresentation of the legislature.  congress wasn’t perpetual anyway.

my internal struggle just reminded me of lorraine hansburry’s ‘a raisin in the sun’ drama.  it seems that the urge for betterment has dwindled down a bit.  i wonder why.  a conversation with a co-worker at bart has left me pondering that there are better days out there despite struggles.  struggles are important.  they make us stronger each day.  there are incentives to my cause.  a former co-worker’s art exhibit should be visited sometime.  i should pick one performance from sfjazz’s spring season performances.  the optimism had its gradual taking all of a sudden.  mr. holland’s opus.

by murphy’s law of research, enough research will tend to prove your theory.  could be directly proportional between hard work and anything that one wants to achieve.  i just took a nap after tonight’s workout and i shouldn’t be sleepy by now.  the circle of partying people are in the clubs bumping and grinding with the beat.  i told myself not to go out and party unless someone asks me to.  i’m not going to look for the scene.  i should get on with my program.  how the heck should i succeed if i keep on deviating?  i know a bunch of people who are going to be successful in the future because they keep themselves on track with their goals.  parties are everywhere, they will always be there.  but an opportunity for the future once missed can lead to intrinsic disaster.  well it can’t be that bad, but that’s how i see it.

a good friend invited me to his huge indian family party by the end of this month.  i still have to find a good time for our free pass getaway in vegas.  spring break sounds like a good idea.  another homegirl is inviting us to her parents’ house in florida while her folks are out.  all this spending just makes me want to plan over a thousand proposals to those willing to give grants.  it’s a stupendous process, but should be worth it.  the american government’s budget blaster has reasonable overlays, especially for medicare and all that…  ok everything goes with a reason.

my mom should be surprised when she sees me.  i’ve shed weight.  the weightlifting paid off big time, but i need to gain bulk again.  i’d remember myself feeding off creatine and just turn into a one huge barrel of muscle.  no cuts, and i didn’t like it.  now it’s different.  i should start running more often again.  the schedule has just taken its toll on me again.  but hey, i gotta do what i gotta do.  and it only takes sacrifice to get there.  well, not my will but the big boss’ ( up there ) will to be done.

i should sleep now.  i’d better get back to my laid back mode or it’ll be an internal catastrophe.


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