random thoughts.

monday’s over.  11:35pm pacific time here.  i spent most of my evening catching up with old friends from way back in the day.  memories.  how they last.  it just feels like everything has been like yesterday.  i still remember the afternoon sunset illuminating my childhood home as i lazily think about getting into highschool.  i’ve been remembering such events that i consider great in terms of how my life has been so nice.  i wasn’t ready.

one i’d remember was that clear night with an ex.  had another one of those stupid arguments with her.  an airplane just flew by.  its faint sound didn’t supersede our subtle clashes.  i was telling her that one day she’d be happy that i was gone because she didn’t have to put up with all these things.  we were silent for a bit.  i said sorry to her.  we kissed while sitting on the peaceful lagoon that cold summer night.  we’re not ready yet.

i still think about her to date.  she’s been the reason why i’ve changed my perspective in performing at school.  my dad once told me that passing a class was the best that i could do.  sb changed all of that.  acing was the most exquisite of all.  maybe my dad really didn’t know how i was doing in highschool.  he took a higher education and i guess he knew i was always out of the house during my teen years.  he didn’t know i was gonna get into something else than he had stigmatized in his system.  but he wasn’t ready for that.

i haven’t talked to her in a while.  she’s almost a doctor now.  time moves on.  i’d rather move on.  i’ve moved on through the stormy ones and the ones i considered true affection.  the stormy ones were shallow but their waves were terribly intimidating in a transient manner.  one reason why i didn’t want to settle down.  that person is somewhere out there.  but i’m just not ready for that.

i drove along 101 going to sf.  it was a bit overcast and yet the sun just started showing.  i looked over the san bruno hills and saw this beautiful sight.  the clouds were unusually weird in their own way.  the color was different as well.  i thanked for my life and all the blessings that i’ve had.  thoroughly.

all i ever think about is myself.  i guess i’m selfish sometimes.  i ended relationships hurting hearts that weren’t supposed to be broken in the first place.  i’m sorry, but it’s too late.  i didn’t want to talk to them anymore.  not that i hate them.  i’d still consider them as friends, but i want to lead another direction.  somewhere where i can find another route to my dreams.  but yes, i’m sorry if i hurt them.  what has the human flesh have to do with a platonic relationship?  why all lust?  it’s not everything.  too much romance in the bed gets less frequent because both seeks more than the physical desires.  it’s out there.  and i’m not ready yet.

they say that deja vus can be explained scientifically. but i’ve been experiencing such and i was really certain that they all came from my dreams.  i swear.  and i’m not the only one.  but those dreams are dreamt from months before these have happened.  i wanted to find out how i can exploit these.  i’m not sure how but someday i hope, i will.  it’s weird. 

nope, not ready.


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