i didn’t go out again tonight.  there’s nothing wrong with me.  i had just changed.  i used to go out every single evening from work if i had no school.  school isn’t starting until the 3rd week of this month so i can make it to the firm’s first-thursdays cocktail meetings. 

is it just me or what?  there’s a whole lot of places to go tonight.  whole lot of parties.  lots of friends to hang out with.  so many things to do.  but why do i live like hermits stray themselves off at an unknown spot in the woods?  why do i feel like it’s not more of the mere perpetual truth these days?  

i remembered last year when i started secluding myself from the rest of the world by moving out of san francisco.  changed my number without telling anyone, didn’t let them know where i’m moving to, and did not keep in touch with them that whole season.  it was the same thing every night.  hang out, get drunk, party, get into trouble: like a viscious cycle wherein i’m creating my own prison.  i used to be so restless every night especially during weekends because i just can’t stand staying home. 

“where’s the party at?”  i’d call the circle of party people.

but it gets old.  no wonder age in its entirety is so valuable.  you have to make the most out of everything while you still got the energy.  but sometimes that energy just leads to meandering tracks that are eventually forgotten.  you spend hella shit by just getting drunk and having fun.  hey, there’s nothing wrong to that but i guess my perspective has transcended to foreseeing something for future purposes, thinking more of the long term needs on a rainy day.  i believe the mid-year of 2002 has removed my chains.  i’d walk down shattuck , blocks away from the first apartment that i moved into away from city, that friday night and chat with my homegirl from union city.  she’s invited me to go partying in oakland but i declined the offer.  i went back to my burrito while watching b.e.t.’s friday standups and slept at 10pm.  could be boring, the life that a mere partier shouldn’t be leading to. but at least i treaded the other side of the road.  

years ago. hell, i didn’t care if the event was a 5-hour drive and i had to party my ass off till morning and then come back home without any sleep to party again.  i’ve lashed out so much cash by buying outrageously priced tickets and entrance fees, gateway drugs, alcohol, and anything that can make your mind twirl like a sledgehammer hitting the brittle sedimentary rock to its core.  i must have met a lot of people at that time, keeping their numbers for future parties and taking the time to hang out with them on my spare time.  gotten into so much drama that wasn’t even mine to consider.  those were the days.  i’ve gotten tired of it.  at least i’ve reached the threshold of its emptiness and decided that it was time to move on to somewhere more meaningful.

now, what do i have to think about?  monthly expenses, groceries, tuition, maintenance fees ( heheh, i’m not bitching really ) all that shit.  but with all of these i learn the value of life.  i’ve learned that there’s something more with learning, working the daily toil, and fulfilling myself with the best that i can do.  i’ve learned to love and care more without asking anything in return.  sex does become redundant when done over and over again.  it becomes platonic eventually and that would be the next test whether the relationship would last longer or not.  now all i do is just read after i get off from work.  well, more reading when school’s back.  but i’ve become the laid back person that i didn’t expect to be.  i’ve lost track of those people whom i thought would give me the same happiness that i longed for  years back.  that joy, sad to say, was just the surface.  everything was just a front.  a front that i can even dig deeper to find true understanding of what this life’s supposed to be.  i’ve had people hate me for some selfish reason, and the next i know is they end up realizing that their nerves do not really contribute to the matter.  the value of pragmatism has marginalized the impulsive readings of miscommunication and pride. 

i touched her lips while we were laying in bed.  she began to heave a deep sigh as my tongue rolled down her neck.  her hands reached for my back like she was crumpling them like pages of the test paper that she had just flunked from her psychology class.  i felt the soreness as i realized that i just went to the gym that same night.  i had decided to quit my peepz since she said she had nothing to do that night.  the full moon was casting cool silhouettes in the darkened room.  i feathered her smooth skin with great caress as she bit the lower part of my neck.  ow!!!

i can’t believe there still are vampires in this world.

i guess i’m alone for now until i go out.  i was always out before.  now i want the inside.

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