we were just resting in the car.  silent evening with the city lights sprawled over the clear night sky as we both gazed in awe through the windshield.

“if you’d have to choose between me and your mom, i’d rather have you choose her over me.  she needs you more than you’ll ever know.  you and your brother are the only ones that she has left in this crazy world.”

she looked and held her hand firmly on mine as she leaned over making us feel the warmth on that one silent night.

months have passed…

my brother can’t even talk to me.  he recognizes me and i had to figure out what he wants me to do as i know he’s getting very uncomfortable in the patient room that he’s been in for the last couple days.  all i can do is just massage his body so as to soothe his muscles from bed discomfort.  i had to tell him that all he has to think about is getting well.  i did tell him the same at my parents’ place when he could still talk and yet was already feeling the pain.  i didn’t know it would get this worse.  i just came from the wedding rehearsal and i didn’t feel like mingling with anyone even though i met a few pretty faces.  work is done for the week and i still have the rest of the months bombarded with papers, exams, presentations and other projects.  i knew this was going to be a big test on how long i could handle it.  i would and i’d try my best.  but yet seeing my brother’s condition was just hard to deal with.  i felt his pain as i see the nurses just passing by the hall unaware of what was really going on with us.

i had to do it.  i had to hang on.  now i know why i wanted to do business.  it’s not just because i wanted to gain more knowledge from what i’m presently doing.  it’s not just because my co-workers have finished a higher education and are more experienced than i am.  and it’s not just because i wanted to start my own business that could eventually grow into something bigger that one can expect.  i wanted to do business because i want to serve.  and i wanted to help those who are in need, those who might not be suffering the same plight that my brother is having right now but are feeling a similar distress in the society as of my brother’s.  i wanted to give back to the community on how it has molded me in a way that i now am.

i looked at the lights on the freeway back to berkeley.  everyone is clueless.  they go on their unique lives.  if i was to choose between my goal  of finishing and fulfilling my dreams and the fast recovery of my brother.  i’d choose my brother.  he needs me right now and me and my family are the only ones that he has left in this tormented world.

i felt the lonely dark silence as i drove,  thinking so hard. 

… and yet i’ve never felt so stronger and alive by myself.

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