9:51pm.saturday.in my room
i remember an ex who is meticulous on her love letter entries. she’d put in the exact time, date and place on where she writes her letters to me. i’m pretty sure her anthropology major has paid off. the last time that i saw her was at my parents’ place and i guess i was just casual to her. neither sparks nor past feelings roused inside of me albeit i think she’s still one of those people whom i believe i had the most fond and memorable relationships during my teen years.
getting insights from such a philosophy that i came into just this past week can be a coy insinuation of why i haven’t had a serious relationship this year. i almost gave up everything for this one japanese chick and i guess i was right in not doing so. i’ve had so much to life ahead of me; so many goals to achieve, places to go, experiences to learn and discover. her mom, i thought, already knew about us and we weren’t even overt at it in the first place. she kept on asking me if i’ve had a girlfriend recently when i visit her every now and then.
the others, i’m not sure how i would categorize such relationships. i’m not even sure whether they were those that i consider trifled, ephemeral ones or those that were cordially and strictly casual. i already told one of my classmates in this class that she was cute. i am not expecting anything of her but i just wanted to let her know that i’m adrmiring her simple yet attractive constitution. i like girls who are simple. i am not going to any specifics for it i consider this fact as relatively universal. there would be no exceptions but all i would greatly consider is what matters from the heart most. i’d consider intelligence and down-to-earthness as a big, big plus however. girls come and go, just like the leaves of autumn brighten the october afternoon playgrounds and the shimmering light subtly blinding me off my gradual awakening on a lazy weekend morning.
q: but what, more exactly, is that love seeks?
a: love seeks the beautiful. and the good.
q: to what end?
a: to make them its own.
q: and what will the lover gain by making the beautiful and the good his own?
and so on and so forth from a dialogue between socrates and diotima. i am happy myself, and if i do love something will i not be sure if i want to make it its own. my reasoning is a paradox because i have not gone into full dissertion with the rest of the dialogue. and yet i find myself in great happiness in what i have now. only to find out that i seek more happiness in finding more of this world’s love.
i heard from a scholar of philosophy that those who have gone to enlightenment, like siddhartha, have come to abandon the human feeling of love and all these other worldly virtues. i cannot fully say if i must adhere to that, but there are some cases that i’m seeing myself in that kind of situation. that there is something else i seek besides this light caress. a feeling that comes and starts from where og mandino writes his hearfelt essays. i am still in search of this. but if love does come, i would gladly accept it. i cannot consider myself a gadfly nor the one who’s already opening up to me.
i’ve been studying the whole day. the only breaks i had were the quick naps and a walk to get my dinner. back to the essays…